Vicious Is The Name That They Gave Me: A Philly Story Read online

  “Okay and? It still doesn’t explain why she is coming for you,” She stated.

  “I still have the money. Instead of being there like we planned, she sent one of her friends. Okay, the police came and she got caught. End of story,” When I finished she started to laugh. Oh, now you want to laugh, just a minute ago you wanted to be dee boe. Something is wrong with this girl. Love her to death but something is wrong with her.

  “You’re sneaky! You’re so sneaky! I’m thinking some other shit happened,” She joked.

  “Uhh huh,” I said.

  “Alright, let’s go back in,”

  Chapter 7

  Vicious

  After Kassidy and Retta cleared the room, I made myself comfortable by lying across the couch. I watched how Kareema stared at Chanelle with disbelief in her eyes. Kareema trusted Chanelle to make sure I would be okay. Chanelle had me proving to her who I was and what I was about. The bitch was surprised. Kareema folded her arms across her chest.

  “You don’t care do you?” she asked Chanelle. Chanelle rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth.

  “Care about what, her?” she asked pointing her finger at me.

  “Her name is Vicious, and yes. You just don’t give a fuck, do you? Like you really think she’s another Kassidy, don’t you?” Kareema’s anger became tenser then it already was.

  “Hold up, pause. Leave my sister out of this. And Vicious isn’t my kid. I didn’t raise her. So what do you mean by I don’t care? You lost me,” she played dumb. That’s cute.

  “Don’t sit up here and lie, C. Essence told me what happened. Why would you do that, huh?” Chanelle turned her head. “She’s not a smut. She’s not a hoe. She’s not a trick. She’s not you. So why make her do that? Out of all the things in the world, why that? You feel proud that she lost her virginity to your little game?” Kareema was trying not to get emotional. How did she know I was a virgin? Was I that obvious?

  “Okay, she got burnt,” Chanelle took this as humor.

  “You think that shit is funny? You think it’s funny to have young girls fuck grown men? You think it’s funny to have them fucking just anybody? Yeah that’s real funny, on top of that with Kassidy niggah,” Kareema questioned her. C-Roc is Kassidy man? What the hell?

  “Listen, Vicious didn’t have to do it. She could have said no. She chose her fucking actions,” Chanelle said. Kareema shook her head.

  “Come on Vicious, we out,” I followed Kareema outside and into her car.

  “What’s up,” a girl from behind in the back seat said. I was a little startled.

  “Vicious, this is Tori. Tori this is Vicious,” She introduced us. We replied our greetings.

  “So how did it go?” Tori asked Kareema.

  “She’s full of shit,” She stated.

  “Kareema,” I called her name with a soft mellow voice.

  “Yeah,” she answered.

  “It’s partially my fault and partially Chanelle’s fault. It isn’t all on her,” I said as if that would make things better.

  “Don’t even take up for her. Chanelle is a grown ass woman. She has no business making a bet with you, especially like that shit,” Kareema was heated.

  “How did you find out?” I asked her.

  “Essence,” She said quickly.

  “Oh, yeah,” I remembered now.

  “Aye, Kareema, there are some rumors going around bout Kassidy,” Tori said.

  “Yeah, something about her and Tonya. Supposedly the girl she was with got caught. The girl that was with her, um what her name again. I think it's Nelly,” Kareema said.

  “NELLY? Isn’t that Ceyanna’s cousin?” Tori asked shouting.

  “Yup,” Kareema answered while shaking her head.

  “Does Ceyanna even know about this shit?” Tori asked sitting back and lighting a cigarette.

  “That’s crazy,” I let out in a low voice.

  “Isn’t it,” Kareema added. Kareema cell phone went off. She answered with her Bluetooth piece.

  “Hey,” she greeted. I watched as she reacts to whoever was on the other end.

  “She’s in jail? Tonya and Kassidy had something to do with that shit man,” Kareema continued to talk to the unknown caller.

  “Vicious, do you want to take a hit?” Tori asked me.

  “No, I’m cool. I don’t smoke,” I answered while I continue to watch Kareema.

  “Yeah, she was with Kassidy. Yup, uh huh,” Kareema nods her head in agreement to what the caller was saying. “Uh huh, and Kassidy left her,” Kareema went on with the conversation. “Can you bail her out?” I listened as she continues on until she hung up. Ten minutes later.

  “Who was that and what happened?” Tori asked.

  “Ceyanna wants me to go with her to visit Nelly,” Kareema answered.

  “Where are you headed to now?” I asked.

  “Back to the house,” Kareema said.

  “I am so tired. I want to go to sleep. There’s too much bullshit going on,” Tori stated. Kareema pulled up into the driveway. We got out and went inside.

  “Well damn, so where is everybody?” Kareema asked.

  “They’re gone,” I replied. We walked around into the living room. I saw a light-skinned girl lying on the sofa.

  “Simya,” Tori called. She lifted her head up.

  “Huh,” She answered still half sleep. I could still hear the tiredness in her voice.

  “What’s wrong? Where everybody?” Tori questioned.

  “The girls went out somewhere. I just came back from DC about an hour ago,” Simya explained. Tori and Kareema walked towards her to give her company. I went upstairs to my room.

  “Vicious, are you going to sleep?” Kareema asked. I nodded my head yes.

  “Alright, talk to you later,” Kareema said.

  “Okay,” I told her and continued to walk upstairs.

  I stretched out across the bed. Too much was on my mind to go to sleep. I see I need to trend lightly because I could be dead by the end of the day. C-Roc is Kassidy’s boyfriend. So why didn’t he tell me? It would be very trifling for me to keep seeing Roc. But Kassidy and I are not friends. So there would be no betrayal except we work together. I mean I think we do. I thought about what my mother would do. No questions asked, she would continue to sleep with Roc if she was in my shoes. She doesn’t care. I can’t be this weak little girl anymore. I have to start showing some strength. Yeah, I beat the girl up. But it doesn’t seem like that would be enough. I have to be a bad girl or they would probably get rid of me like they did Constance and I see they are real loose with guns. They’ll shoot just about anybody. I have to be like my mother or I’m going to die. I have to show that I am fierce. Okay, I am a teenager but I can get down just like they do. Is that why God never saved me from my mother? Is it because he wanted to show me what I would have to do to survive? I don’t know. But what would my mother do? Call Roc. I decided to call Roc. As I was changing clothes, I dialed his number.

  “Hello,” He greeted me with a sleepy voice.

  “Hey,” I replied.

  “What’s up, boo? I didn’t think you were going to call me. What’s good with you?” he asked. Boo? Stop playing you know I am not your boo. But I am going to have to play the field to survive. Isn’t that what you call Kassidy? That’s what I felt like saying.

  “Nothing, I just got in the house,” I told him.

  “Alright, what you doing later?” he asked.

  “Trying to see you,” I flirted.

  “Oh alright, bet. I’m going to hit you back after I get things situated,” He stated and I agreed.

  Vicious, what are you doing? I asked myself. Trying to survive I told myself.

  Chapter 8

  Ceyanna

  Tori and Kareema came with me to see my cousin Nelly for support and I accepted the gesture. I tried to teach Nelly about the streets and how it’s not good for her. Well, I tried to. But Nelly doesn’t listen. My words go in one ear and out the other ear. She is constantly
doing things with people she thinks she can trust. I told her, you cannot trust everybody. You are loyal to everybody but that doesn’t mean everybody will be loyal to you. The street does not work like that. It’s probably the same percentage you can trust, but that number decreases after true colors are shown. Don’t let me get started with her and these niggahs. It’s a rotation with her. I told her, if you are going to have sex, at least protect yourself. What did she do? She got pregnant repeatedly, like that shit is cute. I told her keep it up and she is going to catch a disease she would not be able to get rid of. She is seventeen and has been wild since she was young. I mean we grew up with our struggles in our childhood so trying to live and survive by any means is not strange to us. Having only one parent who barely even pays attention to you because they’re too busy trying to get high is not strange to us. Having your other parent in solitude is not strange to us. Having to wear the same sneakers for about six months to a year is not strange to us. Not being able to have what other people had when we were young is not strange to us. Having to pretty much fight to prove we are not punks was a main factor.

  You know how some people that want to change and are willing to? I feel like Nelly can change but does not want to, and I cannot understand why. It seems like she is amused by selling drugs, hanging out with the wrong crowd, robbing people, and I am positive Nelly has used a gun before. She is just too comfortable with it at times. Nelly has gotten high, drunk, and will look like she’s been fucking. You know, that sex smell? One night she came home at three o’ clock in the morning. I stayed up all night watching TV waiting for her to come home, because she decides to leave her phone in the house.

  “Nelly, where are you coming from?” I asked her while waiting to hear the nonsense she is able to tell me. I can tell she was high.

  “Oh me, I just came back from church. I got saved,” She answered. See, high shit. That’s what someone would say if they were high. Three in the morning, they got saved.

  “What church is open this time of the night Nelly?” Why am I even entertaining this shit? We argued on and on that night about her whereabouts supposedly coming from church. But she’s high and smells like sex. I am not Nelly’s mother true, but I am the only family she has that cares about her. But I can only do so much for her. At times, I don’t want to help her get out of situations. I didn’t help get in them. She’s my cousin, my family, my blood, and I will always love her. One of these days I will have to let her go. I have to stop cradling her. As long as I answer, she will continue to do things, because she knows I will help her. One of these days I am not going to answer when she calls. I say that every fucking time, but it never works. I am on my way to go see her. I can talk out of anger as much as I want when it comes to Nelly. I can’t sit back and watch her derail her life, when knowing I am partially to blame because I introduced her to what she is doing. When I saw that she was getting out of hand I tried to stop her, but it was already too late. So out of shame, I rather come to her defense every time, and then to hear on the news a body was found and they reveal her name.

  “Ceyanna, Ceyanna,” Tori called my name. I snapped out of my flashbacks.

  “You good?” Kareema asked me. I’m not but I am going to tell her, yes.

  “Yeah,” I lied. I didn’t feel good at all. I didn’t want to be here, but deep down inside I would feel guilty if I turned my back on my cousin. That is what happens when you’ve helped someone out for so long. You get immune to helping them. It’s like an addiction. I wish I was in a dream so I could wake up from it. But there was no way getting from this. It’s reality. What is wrong with this girl? Lord, please help her.

  “Are you sure?” Kareema wanted to know.

  “Yup,” I convinced myself I was okay for the moment as we walked into the penitentiary where they held Nelly.

  “Hi ladies, how can I help you?” The correctional officer asked.

  “Hi, we are here to see Niara Mayson,” I answered. Niara is her government name, Nelly is what we would call her. We should call her bad ass, because she always getting into something bad. The correctional officer looked into the computer database to find out where she would be.

  “Okay, can all of you fill this form out? I’ll need to see everyone’s identification card,” He instructed graciously and we did what he asked. “She’ll be coming out shortly. You can all have a seat,” He said.

  It did not take long for the guards to bring Nelly out. Not only did Nelly come out, she came with a crowd.

  “What’s up, Yanna. Hey Tori. Hey Kareema,” She greeted us all with a hug. We said our greetings back. Am I the only that is lost? Is she Gotti in here?

  “Uh, Nelly, who are all these people?” I said pointing to all the girls.

  “Oh, they are with me. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I may just stay in here if things continue the way they’re going,” She joked. Staying in here? I see Nelly is taking this as a joke. How can someone facing murder charges be okay? Do you see what I mean? She doesn’t care.

  “What do you mean staying in here? You’ve been smoking, haven’t you?” Tori asked her.

  “Well, let’s see. I was smoking on Monday, weed on Tuesday, weed on Wednesday, weed on Thursday, weed on Friday, weed on Saturday, and weed on Sunday. Yeah, I’ve been smoking,” she laughed. How is she even allowed to get weed in here? The next charge she is going to face is contraband. I can already see it happening. Now is not the time to be giggling and laughing. This is not a reunion. This is not some celebration ceremony. This is supposed to be a visit to help her get out of here, but she doesn’t even want to leave. If it were up to me, I would tell them to let her sorry ass rot in here since she thinks this is a fucking playground.

  Nelly’s perfection is blinded by her immoral actions. It’s by her juvenile behavior. Now you can’t see that once beautiful humble girl she once used to be. It’s locked away in the closet because the mischievous spirit has taken over her five foot, honey brown skin, her glowing model face accompanied by her dimples every time she laughs or smiles. It has taken over her long jet black hair with blond highlights she would get done every two weeks, now puts it up in a bun. It has taken over her light coffee eyes, no mascara and all natural. It has taken over. Every time I see her I get disappointed and hate myself for it. This is not how her life should be. Is she lost because of me or because this is where she wants to be in her life? She has no education, no legit job, and no life steady goals. If she keeps going this route, she is not going to last. I fucked up, but it’s not like I’m not trying to help her. I’m out of all options. I really don’t know what to do. I am torn.

  “Nelly, you stupid,” Kareema added laughing along with Tori. They were not helping by laughing with her. I should have come by myself. I gave them a look. They understood and stopped laughing.

  “Can you be serious for a minute Nelly? You are in deep shit right now. And you’re carrying on like you could care less. Let me know, so I can take my ass back home,” I told her. She lifted her head. “What if they find you guilty? Would you smoke weed with the judge and say ‘Hey, good looking?’ What if they keep your ass in here for life? Are you going to have a party every day? You just don’t care anymore right, so why should I?” I yelled at her. She looked at me as if I lost my mind. I have to always be the bigger person with Nelly. She would just let shit happen.

  “Dag, Ceyanna, I was just playing,” She tried to sound innocent. The bitch was guilty before she got in here. She was guilty from when she decided not to change her life. Am I to blame? I can’t keep blaming myself for her negligence.

  “Now is not the time to be playing,” I warned her.

  “My bad. I just didn’t want to come out looking all depressed and shit. I am trying to be positive about this,” She claimed. She’s playing, right? I stood up to her face. She is not going to pull the “I am doing everything I can do,” card. We are not doing this today.

  “So you’re trying to be positive? How, by smoking every day
? I’m not going to help you, Nelly, if you don’t want to help yourself. If you don’t give a fuck about your life, then neither will I. I’m tired of babying you. You’re seventeen and it’s about time to start to grow the hell up,” I said walking away from them.

  “Ceyanna wait,” Tori called. I turned around.

  “Don’t, leave me alone. You can keep talking with her and her crew. Keep laughing some more with her, I’m going outside. Let me know when you’re ready to go. I can’t do this anymore,” I tried to hold back my tears, but I couldn’t. I walked outside.

  “Don’t cry Ceyanna. It’s going to be okay,” Tori tried to console. It’s too late. The damage is already done. The damage has already been nested into her life. The damage is already a factor and it’s the damage I created. I sat with my head between my legs.

  I could hear in the background of the other women talking with their families and children. I could hear the little kids playing. In the back of my mind I hope these kids don’t go through what Nelly went through and end up in here. I hope they do not get caught up in drugs, addiction, substance abuse, having sex and in a clinic to have an abortion, and obtaining a criminal record at a young age because they decided to hang with the wrong group of people. That shit is not fun. I don’t know what got into Nelly’s head. If I could brain wash her I swear I would. But she’s already mentally disturbed. I know I am not perfect. I never said I was. I keep kicking myself because had I shown her a different route we would not be visiting her in prison. We would be getting her ready for her senior prom. We would be getting her to learn how to drive. She would be working part time and being around good people. My pain was too strong to hold my tears back. Every day I worried if Nelly would come home. At part of me feels like she should be in here because at least I’ll know she won’t be out on the street and a part of me wants her to come home. It would be a blessing for her to come in the house and say See, look Ceyanna, I passed all my classes. Ceyanna, I am going to this college and this is the major I am taking. Look Ceyanna I got my driver’s license or even come to me for advice, ask me about what to do because she got her period, or ask me about boys because she has a crush. If those words were to ever come out of Nelly’s mouth, I would feel a weight lifting off my shoulder. But because she keeps going down in life, I will always feel this weight.